Chronicles of my Life !

These are the thoughts that come to my head that come across me when i WAS in the most rocking place on Earth. Mumbai. I loved Mumbai. It has got so much to do.

Day 1:
Wow! Free again! Man needs his time away from work. One definitely can’t smile at all the nagging by the boss all the time. Working in a media company is hectic-esp when ur in Mumbai. Work should be a day long contract to be renewed at the end of the expiry date. Each party should be able to pull out of the contract with one hour's advance notice. Disputes, if any should be settled in the jurisdiction of the employees’s home town.

Day 2:
Is it OK to walk nude out of the washroom when you are dripping wet to pick up the towel drying on the cupboard? Where are my ironed clothes? Where is the magic cupboard from where ironed clothes keep coming out every day? Socks? Why are they so small…can’t we have bigger socks so that they don’t get lost? What should my breakfast be?

Day 3:
The two utensils that can be used to make tea are in the sink. Can’t have tea. Is Pepsi a good supplement for tea? In NMIMS they did mention that nimbu pani, tea & lassi are Pepsi’s competitors! Ironed clothes are fast running out. Is ironing other’s clothes still a career option? Are people still doing it? Where do they stay…how do I find them? Does Just Dial have the Dhobi's no? lemme check !

Day 4:
Damn! Soap slipped and fell in the potty. I know there is unused soap in the house. But where is it? Idea…let me use the small soap I picked up from the Taj Hotel when I stayed there for three days… A year back.. Split between corn flakes & oats. Corn flakes wins because the only utensil in which oats can be cooked is in the sink.

Day 5:
Shoes are dirty. Where is the shoe brush? Can I use the tooth brush and wash it later? Who is gonna know? Where is the house key? If I didn’t bring it inside the house how did I get in? Did I leave a window open? If I left the windows open did the thieves get in before I did? Did they hide under the bed to avoid detection? And slid out of the house when I dozed off? Check if everything is in place….don’t know what is where…but my laptop is safe. They definitely didn’t walk away with the internet connection.

Day 6:
Should I take up dieting? Instead of saying I slept hungry coz there was no food it feels better to say I was dieting. On second thoughts….Is Corn Flakes a good meal for dinner? Maybe for dinner I can have corn flakes with curd. For breakfast it can be had with milk. Wow…a balanced diet.

Day 7:
There are no clean undies to wear. Wear them inside out? Will colleagues know? Not till the boss strips me pants down….and that’s not gonna happen. Some consolation that I am not superman…else dirty undies will show.

Day 8:
When the tomato sauce is over…. pizza goes well with mango pickle. Why do Indians eat pizzas with tomato sauce?

Day 9:
Started drinking a lot of water – drinking out of the 'topiya' (an odd shaped utensil) helps. All glasses in the sink. Ants on white marble floor make a good sight. But where are they all rushing? What can be the hurry in a bug’s life? Wonder if they are after a Hot Ant. They cant call her Ant-ie. Or can they?

Day 10:
Enough. I am missing my family. Independence comes with a certain amount of problems – wonder if Gandhi & Nehru also felt the same way 10 days after Indian independence?

Day 11 :
If i talk to myself, is that bad? Am i crazy? maybe i am-but is that just my feeling. I heard it in a movie that crazy people think that they are sane. I am definitely crazy then. Crazy me.
So how do i finish the presentation before the 10AM review. Should i work late? Can i charge HT for overtime? Can i say that Colaba sank for 8 hrs and that's why i wasnt able to work. Heck. Sleep.

Day 11.
Call from boss-Where is the presentation i asked you to work on.
Reply: "fjkfjsbvjheg"
Boss: What??!!
Reply: "fgafrgruefgs"
Boss: haing??
Reply: Thinking that this is not working, should save my ass. "I'm learning a new language"
Boss: Where is the ppt,?
Reply: uhhhhhhh.. Arree haaan... I sent it to you. Chk mail now
Boss: Yes. But the file is not opening. what extension is *.pxt??
Reply: "fgsebvghue" Start snoring.

Day 12 :
I do not want to go to office ! Mammmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!

Day 13 :
Telecaller calls. Loan waali.. Sir, may i offer you an exclusive loan for Rs 10L. It will be delivered to you in 24 hrs. Me: Ok. But my pet mouse says that i cant have it. She: Mouse Sir??!!?
Me: Why, do you have a problem with that !! Hang up before charges me for sexual harassment.

Now i do not have the patience of writing anymore. Guess i should work. Oh Gosh !!
The presentation !!

ME: "FHIUFHUHSFJHFJSH"

Sutta Talk

Okay, I didn’t smoke one of these as my first (Good Morning) cigarette of the day. Nor as the second (with-coffee) one. Nor as the third (after-coffee) one. For someone like me, an unrepentant smoker who finds the recent smoking ban-invasion on privacy and a draconian act, a “nicotine-free, tobacco-free” cigarette seemed like an oxymoron. (a bit like Mumbai without disgraceful traffic, or Allahabad without buffaloes).

I mean, why smoke unless I can get that nicotine and tobacco into my bloodstream? What’s the point unless I can reduce my lifespan by 8 minutes or so?

But what could it really be, this herbal stuff? I was terribly curious.

The good stuff: Honeyrose herbal cigarettes

But how was 'it'??

I slid one out, a tactile delight in the smoker’s life, and studied all the stuff on the back of the pack. Instead of a warning, I found a statutory promise of delight. “Honeyrose menthol herbal cigarettes are made with naturally grown Marshmallow herb, Red Clover and Rose petals.”

Hmm, what was this? A spa treatment? Oooh, I was feeling pampered.

And a good thing that was too. I’ve never been to a spa, and if I could get a sense of what that might be like by smoking herbal cigarettes, who am I to complain?

I slipped one between my lips, then brought it out and blew imaginary "spa-ish" smoke into the air. Yes, it looked and felt like a real cigarette, and of course, in terms of effect, it felt purely like a rain-forest on fire. Bland. How are you supposed to feel when u drink soda-less soda!

Perfect if you want to mime the action of smoking—if that’s your sort of thing. I’m not sure it’s mine.

The not-so-good !

As I turned the stick around, bits of, er, well, herb, dropped out of the open end. The filter between my fingers didn’t feel firm enough. Come to think of it, why was there a filter at all? What was it supposed to filter out? Not the rose petals, I hoped.

The Worstr !

Rs200 for a pack of 20

The Best
I did not shift from Classic Milds. ITC is still my dream company


PS: Background score: BC MC Sutta na millaaaaaaa.... bc mc bc mc bc mc bc mc....

A conversation.

Here is a phone conversation I had recently with my girl friend. No, i wasnt hallucinating. She's real yaar. Rather she "was" real.

My girlfriend: Hi!
Me: Hey!

My girlfriend: I see a bit of sarcasm in your tone.
Me: Sarcasm? Why would I be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: How would I know? Ask yourself.
Me: But pehle me, how can a “Hey” be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: You wouldn’t understand. Forget it.
Me: Aree…if you didn’t want me to think about it, why even mention it? Answer my question – how can a “hey” be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: I donno. I no longer feel the same warmth in your tone.
Me: Is it because of the cold I have?

My girlfriend: See, you are being sarcastic again.
Me: Yes, this time….I agree.

My girlfriend: If you can agree now…why didn’t you agree earlier?
Me: I am not being sarcastic yaar. Tell me what makes you think something is wrong.

My girlfriend: I don’t know. My heart says so.
Me: Wah yaar... ur heart speaks!! Where is its mouth?

My girlfriend: See…you are being sarcastic again!
Me: Yes, this time also….I agree.

My girlfriend: I feel things aren’t the same with us anymore.
Me: What makes you feel so?

My girlfriend: Your tone.
Me: Do you think gargling would help? It is this darn cold.

My girlfriend: I can see the sarcasm flowing again.
Me: Yes, this time also….I agree.

My girlfriend: You never used to raise your voice with me.
Me: But baby, we have known each other for three years now. Even married couples start fighting in three years!

My girlfriend: Don’t. Don’t raise your voice.
Me: No I didn’t! I didn’t raise my voice at all!

My girlfriend: Now you are. Why are you shouting?
Me: If you get unreasonable, what do I do?

My girlfriend: See….I told you…you aren’t the same anymore.
Me: Ohh God. What makes you think so?

My girlfriend: Don’t raise your voice, I said.
Me: No sweetie. I am not raising my voice.

My girlfriend: You don’t have to say that so loudly. I am NOT deaf.
Me: I know you are not deaf of ears….

My girlfriend: See…sarcasm again.
Me: Tell me what I have to do to make you happy!

My girlfriend: Just be yourself.
Me: Baby, I am being myself.

My girlfriend: No, this isn’t the man I loved.
Me: I am just myself. How can a man who lives for 60 years change drastically in 3 years?

My girlfriend: You never used to argue with me earlier.
Me: I am not arguing!

My girlfriend: Don’t shout!
Me: I am not shouting!

My girlfriend: I think you want to dump me.
Me: No I don’t. Why would I? This started as a casual conversation and here we are talking of dumping?

My girlfriend: Yes. That’s what you want to do…and I can feel that.
Me: What makes you feel that?

My girlfriend: I donno….I just know.
Me: How can you know ….when you donno…

My girlfriend: I donno…
Me: Ok fine. So what should we do? You suggest.

My girlfriend: Take a one-week break, maybe?
Me: I am fine with the idea, if that’s what you want.

My girlfriend: I don’t want that. I am just doing it for you.
Me: What??!!

My girlfriend: Yes. Let us take a break, if that’s what you want.
Me: Ok fine.

My girlfriend: Now you being sarcastic…
Me: How can “Ok fine” be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: I donno…
Me: I donno too sweetheart. But bye.

My girlfriend: Bye.
Me: Yes, take care. Call me if you feel like calling me.

My girlfriend: See…you are being sarcastic about my feelings now.
Me: Yes, I was.

What happened after this should be clear to most of you guys.

For the girls: The 1 week break just went on for about 2 years now. We do not talk now.

Thank God

**Men out there, beware of women. They are complex. Worse than the Algebra that you dreaded in school.


PS: Jaspreet-if you are reading this "This is an imaginary friend i have. This is not you"