Pins & Needles

As per the latest developments, i've heard that some1 very close to me is "itching" to get (another) tattoo done. She (yes i'm bragging that i know a female that has a tattoo) already has a "tribal" thing done on her ankle.
She asked my permission if she can get my face done. I just had one question-"on which part of your body will you get the tattoo done?" I still await her answer, i also wonder if she's goin to talk to me also :(

But, this is also about the doctor-thing that i have. I havent ever had a liking to sterile things-i've been told.

This is when I HAD to go for a medical check-up before joining Hindustan Times.

“Sir, you are asking for an appointment at 10 a.m. and only a lady doctor will be available. Are you ok being examined by a lady.”

I looked around, and finding no one listening, replied: “Sure, I have no problems. Would this be a thorough check-up?”

“Yes sir.”

“Great. I am looking forward to it. Will be at the clinic by 10 a.m. sharp.” The lady did not understand the reason behind my enthusiasm.

Now I had to prepare for the ‘thorough’ medical check up. So, on Wednesday morning…I shaved. Took bath. And shampooed my hair. Never before have I done all three on the same day.

I sprayed an extra dose of my Axe-Effect. And when was not noticing, I applied her Oil of Olay moisturizer all over my body for that shiny, smooth feel. The preparation was not just external. I also picked up my best undergarments for the occasion.

My folks were getting suspicious. Mamma asked: You going for the medical check up, right?

“Yes, why do you ask?”

“Looks like you going on a date,” she exclaimed. She came close to me…and stared right into my eye. I stared back into her eyes, and her threat was conveyed to me through something more powerful than the blue-tooth technology. She warned me of another face-off.

I landed at the clinic 15 minutes ahead of time. I needed to wash my face and apply some talcum powder I had safely packed in my handkerchief.

The moment I had been waiting for arrived, and I was ushered in the lady doctor’s room. She was pretty al right. A little on the plumpy side…but that’s the way I like my doctors – healthy.

I wanted to strike a chord right away. “Good morning Doc!”

She did not reply. That was a put off, but I didn’t budge. My morale was still hitting the roof.

“Nice day, eh Doctor.” I said.

“Yes. Now, take a deep breath.” By now she had placed her stethoscope on my chest. She did her regular check ups and then looked me straight in the eye. That excited me. But everything came crashing down when she asked: “Since when have you been wearing those glasses?”

“It came free, when I was born,” I tried to joke. But the Doc was not enthused.

I must have stayed in that room for 15 minutes, but there was no ‘thorough’ medical examination. A very disappointed me, got up to leave the room when the doctor stopped me and said: “Give this receipt to the nurse at the counter. The same nurse will examine you physically.”

If not a doctor, at least a nurse. I was OK with a consolation prize.

I walked up to the counter and produced the receipt. A guy asked me to follow him to a room and then closed the door behind him. And then the physical check-up began.

By the way, did you know that male medical assistants are also known as nurses? Damn gay people.

PG-21

Just in case you didn’t know where to find male sexual organs

Before I sat down to write this article, I did my bit of research. I rented 13 porn movies - all of them had interesting names: ‘The Extra Testicle,’ a spoof on Steven Spielberg’s science fiction movie ET, and ‘Inspect Her Gadget,’ a spoof on the Hollywood movie Inspector Gadget, Eyes Wide Slut, Grinding Nemo, Hairy Potter, Done in 60 secs, Forest Hump, Whore of the Rings, etc etc etc.

I didn’t really learn much about the male sex organs from the porn movies, because most of the time the focus was on the female sex organ. When I checked with my Gilli-the Porn King (he got the Anna Nicole Smith award in NM Razzies) he said that it could be because the target market for porn movies was a male anywhere from 13 years to 90 years old and with nothing to do. Understandable. Marketing faff.

For those of you that don’t know the male sex organ consists of Ureter, Seminal Vesicles, Vas Deferens, Prostate Gland, Urethra, Testes & Scrotum (thanks Wikipedia)…we expand them further:

• Ureter - The narrator (I noticed it rhymes) of the announcement of a full bladder. In other words-its your pee-tank!
• Seminal Vesicles – It is the point of origin of all seamen. Wonder why they didn’t name it ‘Ship’ or ‘Submarine’.
• Vas Deferens – Definitely not a French restaurant. Instead, more of a captain of the ship because its job is to push the seamen forward.
• Prostate Gland – Since women don’t even have this gland, do you really care what it actually is? (Seriously, only men have prostrate glands)
• Urethra – More like an asshole without the ass. For more details-Wiki it.
• Testes - The real test of manhood, not because it is the sperm factory but because a hit here means 21 stars (that’s how many I saw)
• Scrotum – Unfortunately not a recycle bag.

Dear women, what you don’t know and we don’t show on our faces is that we men live in fear each day. Each visit outside the house involves saving our sexual organs from leather cricket balls, table corners, lamp post, naught small children, swinging hands, lady’s purses, lady’s bent knee, dwarfs and shorties.

We men really don’t make a big deal about this, but it really pains. Forget childbirth pains….have you ever seen Dada-Sourav Ganguly writhe in pain after being hit by a cricket ball? Now, don’t you ask me where…. for I won’t say “Eden Gardens”…instead say, “ Phallus in Wonderland”.

1+1

Before we begin, let me announce that I am a man. I repeat, A MAN.

Of late, I have this feeling that I am pregnant. You might ridicule me, but that is not going to stop me from delivering my child. What you think doesn’t matter to me because you are mere descendants of the people who nailed Jesus, who banished Lord Rama to the jungle for 14 years, and sent Buddha alone to meditate!

You probably wonder how a man can get pregnant. I just checked the net and my symptoms match. Here I explain it for you –

I had heard pregnancy starts with morning sickness. Now, I am sure. For when Madam M (thanks yaar) wakes me up at 9.30 in the morning I feel so sick. I could revolt and get back to sleep…but alas…I have to make do with morning sickness.

For the last one week, I have been puking everything I eat. It is the second most prominent symptom in a pregnant person. Just that it might have something to do with the new cook that my hotel has got-or are they feeding me shit (well.. literally). That's why all i have for dinner is yucky dal and sad chapatis :(

I feel weak and giddy all the time. I know, you could pass this off by saying my boss was giving me loads to do and I stressed out and thus feel tired and giddy. Since I couldn’t ask my boss to cut down on work, I got home and asked the hotel attendant. I told him: “Now, don’t you give excuses like a pregnant lady…clean the wash basin, as you promised last week.”

I cleaned but during the process, I noticed my bulging belly. It sure had become bigger than it was two months back. Mamma told me it may be coz of all i do-Drink beer, sleep, get up and drink some more.…but what if I was really pregnant? Maybe, I was.

The other day, I even had leg cramps. I don’t think it had anything to do with the night-cricket session on Saturday. A quick search in Google revealed that Calcium metabolism is strongest during pregnancy and as a result, the affected party gets leg cramps.

Besides, I have this urge to visit the washroom at regular intervals. Two months back, I would visit the washroom only thrice daily. Now, I spend two hours of my office time inside. When I discreetly checked with Mrs Shalini, who is a mother of three children, she said: “When the belly becomes big (in effect the uterus), it pushes against the urinary bladder. Thus reducing its capacity. With a smaller-in-volume urinary bladder the person feels the urge to visit the loo regularly.” I didn’t tell her that sometimes, even a decrease in the centralized air conditioner’s temperature by two degrees Celsius can result in many visits to the loo. But that would have been off the topic.

Now I had confirmed my pregnancy. Since, I was probably the first man in the whole World to get pregnant I wanted to tread carefully. I couldn’t go visit the doc straight up…so I called the Teenage Pregnancy Prevention Center’s helpline.

“Madam, may I speak to the gynecologist please?”
“Speaking.”
“I think I am pregnant but am not sure.”
“Did you run a pregnancy test?”
“No madam, I am in no mood to run.”
“Please visit a pharmacy, buy a pregnancy test strip and test yourself.”
“But madam, for that I will have to expose myself. Is there any other way, I can find out?”
“Hmm…do you puke?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have morning sickness?”
“Yes.”
“Do you feel giddy?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have leg cramps?”
“Yes.”
“Is your belly increasing in size?”
“Yes.”
“You are definitely pregnant.” It was the doctor confirming my suspicions.
“Madam, please don’t scare me. Is there any other simple yet reliable test to prove pregnancy?”
“Yes. Try eating a green mango. If you are not pregnant you can’t finish it. If you manage to finish it…you are definitely pregnant. This one is a sure shot test.”
“Thank you madam.”
“BTW…you sound like a man…”. I gathered she was having her doubts.
“You might be aware of hormonal changes during pregnancy….” I banged the phone down before she could say anything.

I rushed to a fruit market and bought a green mango. The problem is, I was able to eat it. I even bought five more!