Music and Me

Music and Me are just like oil and water. They dont mate (or was it mix).
Im supposed to be such a terrible singer, that when i sang the National Anthem, there was a huge quake in Gujrat, 2000 kms away.

Music travels faster than beats. I'm sure. However, after the incident, i've stopped singing altogether. I dont even sing to myself. Not even while taking a bath. Not even while "patoing" girls. I guess i am not happening. Hip, as you would understand.

But what is more perplexing about music is the names of the bands.

For me‘Beatles’ are insects to be squished. 'Gloria Estefan' is a Spanish fan that glows. 'Dire Straits' is the condition in which i am now. Celine Dion is the female counterpart of the Godfather-Don Corleone. 'Britney Spears' was the Roman blacksmith, specialising in making spears. 'Ashlee Simpson' is the cross between Bart Simpson and Tommy Lee Jones. 'AC/DC' were a bunch of jerks in Hazratganj who used to steal electricity. 'Deff Leppard' was a jungle-boy and grew up on Leopard shit.

‘Rolling Stones’ are nothing but stones that gather no moss. ‘Beach Boys’ are the ones that sell peanuts on the beach…‘RadioHead’ for me is the small antenna atop my transistor. ‘Bob Dylan’ and ‘Bob Marley’ are two varieties of beer made from Barley. Enrique is like an over grown guy that grows on wheat-grass. 'The Pussycat Dolls' are a bunch of lost kitties. 'Westlife' is an opposing group of Vishva Hindu Parishad. '50 Cents' an organization that is for the beggar, by the beggar and of the beggar. 'T-Pain' is a name of a pain-killer/giver. 'Pretty Ricky' is the name of a dumb high school babe that is going to have brain-implants from an ant. 'Black Eyed Peas' is a dish of burnt peas, served with rabbit eyes and white sauce.

‘Pink Floyd’ is something pink that makes a lot of noise. ‘U2’ and ‘U40’ are two buses that will take me from Civil Lines (in Allahabad) to Telliyarganj (again in Allahabad). ‘Led Zeppelin’ is grandson of the man who invented the Zeppelins used during WW1. ‘Smashing Pumpkins’ is what we Indians do on the road to avoid the evil eye…and in the process kill so many motorists.

‘Madonna’ is just a statue that cries (with tears of blood) whenever required. ‘Elvis Presley’ is some printing press owned by a guy named Elvis. ‘Red Hot Chilli Peppers’ is the Mexican food that Rekha likes so much, and I don’t. ‘FatBoy Slim’ is the third atomic bomb US dropped on Japan – yes, the one that did not go off. ‘Nirvana’ is nothing but a mental state of no noise. ‘The Eagles’ are well…eagles.

‘Guns ‘n Roses’ is just a phrase that means war and peace. For me ‘Aerosmith’ is somebody who works on the iron used to build aeroplanes…somebody like a blacksmith. As for ‘Pearl Jam’…I guess it is ocean’s equivalent of a traffic jam, when many oysters (with pearls inside) jam up at a place and affect smooth functioning of the traffic.
‘Shania Twain’ is Mark Twain’s sister …or is it the brother? As for ‘Grateful Death’…well it is a phrase used for somebody who should be grateful if allowed to die.

Like I said, I am not much of a music guy. I know no albums, no bands, and no singers. All i know is that Madam M loves music.