Into the Future: What if i got married to a cleanliness freak !

This entry takes u into future when im married to a cleanliness freak.

There used to be a time in my life when I was obsessed with cleanliness. Now, I
leave it to my wife M. (Lets call her Madam M)
Most bachelors have clean habits. They brush their teeth once a week, take bath on Sundays, and wear washed clothes for parties and what not. But once they marry, cleanliness goes for a toss.
If you are a lady and are reading this, chances are you would not agree. But read on and I am sure you would be convinced. If you are married, I request you to turn a new leaf and stop pestering your husband about his cleanliness. As I was saying, after marriage Madam M has started finding fault with everything.

It starts as early as 3 a.m. I am sleepy and could not careless for cleanliness but she wakes me up and says my saliva is spoiling the pillow cover. She forces me to place a folded towel on the pillow and I get back to sleep. She wakes me up at 6 a.m. – and that’s pretty early for me – and says: “Look, you have spoiled the towel also!”

Bathrooms are a horror. Here are some of the sentences I get to hear…
“Come on…I told you not to take the newspaper inside the bathroom?”
(For the God in me, I can’t understand why she hates me taking the newspaper when I go to the loo. She hates it so much that she does not read the paper. Or is it her excuse?)

“Hey, you left the toilet seat up again!”
(So what, put it down again! Of course, I don’t say it in as many words.)

“The walls are all soap. Can’t you pour some water, or be careful while taking bath?”
(The walls are all soap? Good…we don’t need to buy soap for another two
years. And anyways what am I supposed to do? Lie down on the floor and take
bath?)

“Did you notice the soap box? It is full of water!”
(Yeah right, I was just trying save water for the rainy day. Or was I trying to make some liquid soap?)

And just when I am done with the ‘bathroom bashing’ I am in the dressing room trying on my new CharagDin shirt (I am lying, I buy only cheap ones) when she barges in and says: “Just look at your wardrobe.”
I turn around and look at my wardrobe. I like the tone she uses…as if I were the Maharaja of Patiala and I were caught wearing stupid brands like Allen Solly, Luis Philippe, Color Plus etc.
“Yeah, I saw…what is wrong?” I ask.
“Now, look at mine. Everything is washed, ironed and kept properly,” she says.
“Yeah,” I reluctantly agree. More because, I am late for office and I also need to squeeze in that smoke that she does not know about.

Now we move on to the breakfast table, where I get scolded for being magnanimous enough to drop a cereal for the ants that have formed a cantonment in my house.

I also get berated for not keeping my helmet clean, for not washing the dishes I use, for leaving the water bottle un-capped. Anything I do in my house needs to be done in another way - the supposedly cleaner way.
Now, I am all dressed up and ready to leave. I am happy that I can be myself for another 9 hours – that’s the time I spend in my office. When I close the door behind me, I hear her shout: “Look at the mess your shoes have done to the floor?”

I grind my teeth, promising myself that I will also make her life hell, and walk into the sunset….


PS: I know God dsnt read my blogs-but if You do-Please Please dnt make my life like this !!

C-Man

I am filled with fantasies.

I am filled with thoughts. This is a tribute to all those people who let me think and inspire me to be weirder.

A very recent yet very close friend told me not be so weird :D

Background:
For all those who dont know me-I am on a project in Allahabad for about 3 long months. Being a guy, i cant help but being lazy, so instead of going on a house hunting in this place i took up a room in a decent hotel for 3 months.

Foreplay:
I am supposed to live alone in the double bedroom-ed room. But, the hotel guys understand how alone i am. So, they showed some pity and arranged for partners for me.

The Kick Ass part:
I stay(ed) with about 9 cockroaches, a dwarf rat and tonnes of mosquitoes.
Once they all were upset coz i worked late and all of them decided to revolt against me. All of these animals/insects used their fangs-teeth-tails to attack me in my sensitive area.

I may not be the best looking guy around-but i believe that im not that bad either. A decent education, earning decent amounts of alcohol (dats how the HRD pays me-in kind), and a terrible sense of humour. However, I got pissed off with these 'inhabitants'. A small walk to Big Bazaar and i armed myself with the biggest pack of Baygon Spray.

I put on a hood on my head (towel actually) and sprayed the can all over the room. Killing whatever sign of life that came in my line of sight. Agitated as all the roomies were, a rabid cockroach chose the wrong time (and wrong person) for a bite – I felt a tinge on my ankle and even before I could shake it off, it had sent across a trickle of cockroach-poison into my blood stream. Darn cocks.

I turned and twisted in the darkness. Something was weird. I had become a cockroach. Yes, I knew I had become a cockroach because my night vision goggles were suddenly too big for me. And I could see in the darkness without them.

Even as I was getting a grip on the situation (which was easy because I now had sticky hairs on my legs), a teenaged cockroach yelled: “Hey stranger, coming to Ganga’s party?”

I shook my head and saw my two long antennas bobble up and down. Now I know why none of the cockroaches nodded their head when I held a ‘Bagon Spray’ in my hand and said: ‘Look here pal, I am going to blow you off Earth’s surface!”

I tried to turn my neck, but couldn’t. If I had to see behind my back…I had to move my whole body. Being a cockroach wasn’t easy.

I decided to go to the party….after all, what better place to get to know a few people …oops…cockroaches…than a party. I looked at myself – was I properly dressed? I was draped in a shiny brown skeleton. Instead of the regular two-piece suit humans wear, I was now wearing a three piece-suit…for my head, thorax and abdomen.

What would be my transport to the party? I couldn’t possibly walk to the party…or could I? “How about flying?” I kidded myself and looked around if I had wings. Thank God, I was a male…I had wings and I could fly to the party venue. I wondered how the female cockroaches visited the parties. I had read in my biology book that they had vestigial wings – underdeveloped and of no use.

Flying is fun, especially, when you fly low to the ground. I could see the landscape…the kitchen’s door mat looked like a couple of acres of ripe maize, the broom leaning in the kitchen corner looked like the Eiffel Tower, the water dripping from the sink’s tap looked like the Niagra Falls….the scenery was breathtaking. The flight was short and I found a good landing strip next to Raamu- Ganga's boyfriend-the cockroach’s house and slowly glided in.

The moment I landed I knew why Raamu the cockroach was the party organizer. He was definitely trying to show off his lake-side view house under the refrigerator. I say lake-side view because I was sure the cockroaches could see the wet wash area from where they stood. I joined the party animals (or should I call them party insects?) and had the time of my life. We had all the food we wanted in the refrigerator….all we had to do was brave the cold and make a dash for our lives as soon as we had something in our mouth. In case you didn’t know we cockroaches have mouths that open horizontally.

We had drinks as well – a grape which had fallen between the refrigerator door was serving as the rum drum. There was music and dance too – we were dancing to the beats of the seconds hand of the wall clock on the kitchen wall. We partied for long and I loved every bit of it. The only time I was sad was when the lady cockroach I was dancing with commented that I had six left feet (Dafts who dnt know what it means…men who don’t know how to dance are said to have two left feet-Like Pappu of the 'Cant dance saala' fame).

The party came to an abrupt end when the lights suddenly came on and we had to run helter-skelter. I warmed up my engines and flew away to safety.

I woke up under my bed in the morning. I was a human being again, and the lights were still on. “Must have been a dream”, I told myself before getting up. Just to be sure, I looked underneath the refrigerator and there was a black grape – the one I had drank rum from the previous night.

Keep it to yourself, but I have a feeling…I am the cockroach man! I am thinking of designing a super suit with a big ‘C’ on my chest!

Wonder what it will throw from its hands/arms/legs..
Wonder if superheroes can be so small..

Why do i need a girl-friend !

Caveat: This entry is supposed to be sexist. My horoscope says that i'll win a Crore if I be sexist for a moment. "I AM NOT LIKE THIS"

This is the last single entry on my life (liar liar!!)
For all u desperate girls out there-call me at 9420420420

To show-off
I know most of the men out there will agree that girl friends are a little difficult to walk with.
I am not referring to their slow gait in tight trousers ..but figuratively. Not many of us
actually like to walk on a busy road with a girl friend in tow? But we are forced to do that
because of peer pressure. As a 24-year-old gentleman I spoke to last night put it: “Ritesh has
one, Prakash has one and even that dud Sunil has one. Won’t I be considered a loser if I
don’t have a girl friend?”

To increase bank balance
Surprising for sure … but GFs do come quite handy. To pay credit card bills when the bankers come chasing, to pay phone bills when the connections are cut, to pay the rent when the landlord threatens….we all need girl friends. But are these girls doing it for us? No way…instead they do it for their own selfish needs. If the credit card is blocked…she won’t be taken to the restaurant, if the phone connection stays pulled…no late night romantic calls…and if there is no house to go back to…what about those private moments?

To feel wanted on birthdays
If I didn’t have girl friends, I might as well have forgotten my birthdays. If you are an obnoxious bastard like me-you what i mean. You need friends to lighten up and girl-friends to remember those moments.
But, this one comes with the catch-be prepared to give her the treat. A big one.
The thumb rule of birthdays spent with a girl friend is: “The total cost of the gifts will always be less than the cost of the evening dinner.”
But having been used to women pampering us all our lives…we don’t mind the cost. What we mind is the settling down and having kids and naming him/her….Akaash/Arpita… so that he/she could be first in the attendance register…kind of talk. Especially on happy days like birthdays.

For emergency back-up
The thing about emergencies is…if they start happening too often they cease to be
emergencies. Many a times we men need liquid cash for important things like a can of beer
or a movie ticket. We need moral support because the girl we approach happened to be the
daughter of the local dada. Or we need to be dropped at the railway station because we have
given our bike/car for servicing. If you ask me, we men need to credit the ladies for the unstinted support they provide us when we are in trouble.
Papa told to me once: Don’t trouble trouble until trouble troubles you. But in this case the trouble itself comes forward to help us.

For use as a digital diary
Men don’t have good memory. Perhaps that is why we invest so much on our mobile
phones. And perhaps, that is why you should have no hassles investing in a live digital diary
–a girl friend. I am sure there have been many occasions when she has alerted you at the
right time. Like when you have to wake up and for an interview. Or maybe a medical checkup?
Or maybe catching a train on Friday evening? A woman’s memory is a yet-to-be-tapped
resource. Try it and I am sure you won’t be disappointed.

Eyecandy: To add glamour to life
Who doesn’t love to have a lady nearby? I do. The F1 guys do. Even Manmohan Singh does.
This wouldn’t have been an issue if the ladies didn’t know it. Now that it is out in the open men
can’t help. Knowing our weakness …the ladies have started presenting themselves as show
pieces. In fact, now they have learnt they can get men to do more if they are Eyecandy. Bad Evolution. Darwin Sir-"can we reverse this?"

To book tickets
I am sure your girl friend has also done this for you. Be it movie, train, bus, theatre, or restaurants….they have booked at all places. Perhaps because when the lady speaks…the man at the other end melts. After all, he is also one of us. The good thing about getting your girl friend to book tickets for you is…she finds it cheap to ask for the money…hence uses her own. ;)


Everybody needs a gossip machine
Agreed we men are not gossip machines. But it doesn’t hurt to get a dose of this and that
once in a while. Especially, if it is about the escapades of our girl’s pretty friend. It gives us
an idea of what chance we stand. The one problem with this requirement is…the phone
companies start sending you huge bills.

As the first-level shock absorber
According to the ladies, men don’t have an eye for colours. Guess, we should start wearing
more of beige, pink and peach. But then, without these ladies we would have gone out to the
World looking stupid. Without them who will tell us our zip is not up, our face has an extra
dash of powder, our shirt goes well with the trouser but has a stain on the wrong hand or that we need a shave.

The Tenth Reason
I leave this to you. After all i'm not the only one looking for a mate.
For Girls: "I'm your guy"
For Guys: "I know what your tenth reason is!"


PS: Just reminding again. "I AM NOT LIKE THIS"

Compliments

We all live in a world of compliments. We do not realize it till u feel worthless. When the entire point of your living is defied. Or, when you happen to meet a random girl-that doesnt seem random at all. Before I get to the sad topic of fate-Let me just cut the crap and get to the subject of compliments.

I read it an HT Edit piece that: When a man makes a woman his wife….it is the highest compliment he can pay her. In 95% of the cases it is the last compliment. In the other 5% of cases, the last compliment is when the bags are being packed at the honeymoon location.

Some examples that have saved my ass.

“You look good in a Suit!”
Meaning, the jeans that you are wearing now is bursting at its seams.

“You have worked hard this day, why don’t you sit and let me pack.”
Meaning, your packing is pathetic, and that we will need two extra bags.

"Wow! This make-up looks good, but it hides your real beauty"
Meaning, What the Fuck! Where's the door! I'm calling the fire-engine to throw a hose at you!

"You are really very intelligent, but can I know why it really happened"
Meaning, you are the dumbest piece of shit i've ever come across. Talk a cent of sense so that i have a reason not to kill you.

Anyway, the brief is…asking a woman to be your wife is the biggest compliment you can give her; or the last you can give to yourself :)

Long time ago my father gifted me a book by Dale Carnegie titled ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’. It is a self help book that’s been on the New York Best Seller’s list for a whopping ten years and has sold 15 million copies so far. An absolute no-brainer that there are so many sad people left in this world. I actually felt good about it. I felt smarter :D

However, in the book, Carnegie wanted me to compliment people no matter what. I began the practice years back and have mastered the art. In the last few years, I have complimented every person I have met at least once daily. So much so that I have run out of ideas.

Over the years I also learnt never to give a compliment expecting a receipt for it. Especially because I am one dull and boring looking person – it only makes the life of the compliment receiver tough….makes him lie…and then go to hell.

Yesterday, with nothing else to say…I looked at my colleague Mishra ji and said, “Nice shoulders!” He gave me a stare then and during lunch accosted me in the washroom. After a mild struggle, I managed to free myself and save my virginity.

Complimenting girls (when i was in girl-land (Mumbai)) was easy earlier. I would start with the headband and work my way through the top-starting with the bindis, earrings and bangles. Or work my way from down-starting with their anklets and then their high-heels-and so on.

But with time, I have wanted to improve on the quality of my compliments and wish asking a lady to marry me. After all, didn’t someone rocking say that the best compliment you can give a lady is asking her to marry you?

But this is also not about how disgusting a person i am-or how desperate i am to get cuddly-but it is about the general feeling that all men have.

Suddenly, when I am stuck in the most god-forsaken cities in India, I come across this girl (Let us call her Mani) that compliments 'me'. Hummm.. Howz that for a change?

God finally listens to all my prayers !
Thank God he overlooked the naughty me.

Some more on Mani, in the flood of blogs that will follow in the due course of time.

PS: Mani (I know you hate me calling this), please do not stop complimenting me ! hehehehhe