aaaccchhhoo.

He rushes to office, he silently prays "God... let there be a different status msg on gtalk today.. i'm getting bored with the 'weekend over' message"

He reaches office, keeps his fingers crossed and sets the alarm to 10.52 AM. That's when she normally logs in.

10.52.. nothing... 10.55... nothing... he fidgets.. 11.30 ... still staring.. this time she comes online..

New status msg.. but this time its "aaancchhhoo" .. he thinks.. trying hard to figure out what it is... does it mean she is allergic to something or she is sick.. hope not.. to quench his curiosity, all he can do is ask. She is still 1400 kms away.

"Im sick" she says.. "... today im at home.. will rest for the day"

He thinks.. fir bhi usne login kiya.. thats a good sign.... he thinks more.. smiles again.. thats what he normally does when she is on his screen.. smile.

He closes his eyes to think something sweet ... this one has to be good.. he thinks harder... He sleeps and slips away to a dream.. This time he can see her..

Pigtails, divided-by-two.. one on either side... with a red ribbon neatly tied in a bow. Red.. Nose, red with cold. Tucked under a pink-polka blanket.

She tells him "Can u scratch my throat? "

Stupefied. He has always been romanitically challenged. "from the outside?.. " he replies ... he thinks whadddaaa *%^ck.. you will be screwed for life.

Right then... s.AAA..AAA..AAA.. kkk KKK..SHIIIII... she sneezes...

He bursts out laughing... "You just sneezed you name !!" "Can u sneeze mine?" he asks.

She says " whadddaaa *%^ck.. you are screwed for life."

She just read his mind.

Woo-ing the Woo-man.

Now if you have a girl friend – you know exactly what’s going wrong… and this is an article meant to help to get your ass safe and away. How do you manipulate a man? Simple… 1. Just give him sex. 2. Threaten that you will leave him.

How do you manipulate a woman? 1. It aint that easy. Not that simple either. Women need security. She has to feel “safe” with you. AND-feel safe from the “World” when she is with you.

Remember, this is why a woman never falls in love at first sight. One doesn’t get to know the bank balance at first sight.

Women always choose the one who is the least likely to mess up their lives – which is anyway going around and around in cycles. Period. Hehehe.

It is this need for security and the ability to compromise, that makes a woman prefer the guy who offered to pay the bill, though he took her to a cheap restaurant.

Never walk into the restaurant and say magnanimously: “We will go Dutch…but I will take care of the tip myself.” This just might tip the scales in favour of the guy she had been keeping aside as Plan B.

But taking her to a restaurant and paying the bill might NOT make her trust you. She might start thinking- “This guy takes me to a restaurant, and pays for my dinner. Something is definitely fishy.”

If she wasn’t already on guard with you, this act of yours will put her on guard. You might not be able to read her mind, but she can read 100s of permutations & combinations into your single smile.

In a way, we men have made the women such experts in sensing the dangers nearby. Not wanting to be left behind, the Indian Navy has decided to give up its gender bias and plans to use a woman’s seventh sense…there will be a woman in every sea-going submarine.

This woman will have to look out for dangers under the sea. Navy has SONAR etc… but apparently they aren’t as effective. The bill hasn’t been passed in the Parliament yet…our MPs are debating over the Indian Navy’s suggestion that the woman be tied to the nose of the submarine.

Anyway once you have won over her confidence…and made her feel safe with you and from the World, when she is with you…she is ready to be manipulated.

My dear men (women, you still reading?)… there are two things you need to know about a woman:

1) Women have the inherent need to know everything

2) Women love to be flattered

Women have this inner need to know everything about the man they are interested in or have ended up marrying. Talk to her…not just about cricket scores or the latest youtube video you saw on the net. Talk to her about what you did in office, what you ate for lunch, what you spoke of when you met your colleagues in the loo, what you were thinking while driving your car back from office, what your mother thinks of her, what your sister said about her…just about everything.

On the Flattery front, here are a few stock sentences that you can use to flatter her and once she is flattered, you can manipulate the hell out of her. Remember, you are dealing with a person with a seventh sense for security…so be careful.

1) Are you dieting? Or is it the gym? You are definitely losing weight

2) Where did you get that skirt? Goes really well with those shoes.

3) Did you do something to your hair today? I am seeing something extra.

4) I was walking just behind you…and guess what, when you walked past that bus stop…all the men fainted.

5) You have such nice skin. I knew you had reached Jaipur even before I had landed in Jaipur.

There are certain things you should never tell a woman. Even if it sounds ok to you, as a man. Sentences like:

1) If I were only half as good looking as you are…I would be your company’s CEO

2) You have such nice skin. Wish I had that too….darn these rashes!

3) Where did you get that skirt? Would love to see them crushed on the floor

4) What deo do you use? I was walking just behind you and when you walked past that bus stop…all the men fainted.

5) Did you do something to your hair today? Its all over my shirt today.

While you try these out on the women of your lives; let me do the same. With some luck, I just might succeed

Awesomeness dripping....
I have spend an entire hour of my 'sleep-time' on a wonderful app called "Wordle". It makes a fun 'word cloud' from any combination of words on ur blog/website.

But the site's super cool feature is that you can choose the colors, font, layout and text. The site also includes a gallery of users' creations that can provide 'sufficient' inspiration. It took me a little while to figure out how to save my creations and format them as jpeg images, but my perseverance paid off and now I'm hooked. My mind has been racing with all the ways I could use this. I'm thinking who needs a launch letter when I can just type in our year's highlights; format the text for red and green; and then print on a foldover card. How cute is that? I just finished making one for Big Sis that she proclaimed "really cool" and I'm planning to print and frame that one. The possibilities are endless. I'll keep you posted on other ideas I have, but right now you HAVE to head over to Wordle.

The art of TP.

DISCLAIMER: A lot (read all) of these suggestions are really dumb things to do, so don't take them seriously.

- Crazy lights: Blink wildly and then close your eyes really tight for an interesting light show
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
See a variety of blobs, stars, lines and flashes. Make out shapes and see if your subconscious is trying to send you a message :P

- Singa-Singa-poses: Learn for how much time can u hold a note.
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes)
Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Inhale deeply and then try and make a noise for as long as you can. Earn brownie points for making your partner laugh or ending on an amusing note.

- March of the Emperor: Try to not think about penguins
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about penguins anyway.

- The power of 'me' compels u:Secret mind power
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Pick a passing by and try to use your mind power to command them do something, like drop their bag or knock into someone. The law of averages dictates that sooner or later one of your mind commands will come true, so you can convince yourself that you really have super human powers and waste even more time trying them out.

- Scratch Card: Scratch without a reason
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?

- Bhav: Rate passers by
(Amusement Potential: 10-15 minutes)
Secretly award passers by marks out of ten as you go along, offering (unsaid) expert criticism over their clothing, hairstyle and footwear choices.

- Bee-Man: Make a low buzzing noise
(Amusement Potential: 15-30 minutes)
Hours of fun in public places! Keeping a totally straight face and looking nonchalant, make a low pitch humming/buzzing noise and see who reacts.

- Stalker: Send spooky emails
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes)
Look up someone's CV on the web, do some research on them via Google and then send them an email full of personal references claiming to be an ex-work colleague who fell in love with their shoes. Or something.

- Dawn of the Dead: Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes)
What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

- Grand Canyon: Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and...AHHHHHH!!!!!

- Burn baby burn: Burn things with a magnifying glass
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes)
Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.


-Water gargling contest
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Put a glassful of water in your mouth and see how long you can keep gargling for. Award yourself extra points for loud and amusing gargling noises, and minus points if you laugh.

- Adapted "power of 'me' compels you": Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment-does this really work?

- Loser: Have a "Who is less competitive" competition
wonder (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

- Sneezes ahoy!: Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes)
Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.


PS: This is not the real me... this is what a crappy place does to you.

Whose blog is it anyways?

If you are a regular reader of my rants and raves, you know that I love to talk about myself. After all this is my blog. This survey was fun... easy & different... you are free to steal it (I did it too)

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
- Wow dude... Crash landing i guess..

2. How much cash do you have on you?
- 871... a Rs 100 note that is 'jaali'

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
- SURE

4. Favorite planet?
- Being partial to Earth, honestly... It has worked fine for me till now... Although Venus has a bit of sex-hay appeal to it..

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
- Yogendra Ji.. My boss.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
- Its gotta be "Who's ur daddy"

7. What shirt are you wearing?
- Scullers. A button missing.

8. Do you label yourself?
- Please. What was ur name again?

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?
- Hush Puppies. Office wear. (like the ring to it)

10. Bright or Dark Room?
- Semi-bright. Office lights not working.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
- I have no idea – I stole it from an ugly babe who writes well.

12. What does your watch look like?
- Casio Beside. 3 dial chrono... 1 scratch.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
- Watching 3 Pigs and a Baby. Animated flick, downloaded from office.
Yes. I still love animated movies.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
- It was the Citibank OAC. I hate transferring people amounts for their daaru-sessions.

15. Where is your nearest convenience store?
- Nothing is more than 5 kms far in Allahabad

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
- Eff Off

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
- Madam J

18. Last furry thing you touched?
- The suspicious looking strawberries I discovered yesterday in the back of my fridge.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
- A bottle of benadryl and 1 1/2 bottles of Goan wine

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
- None. Please. It’s a digital world and I’m living in it... (how old is this survey!?!)

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
- 20 was good. Had the world by the tail. But I like to think the best is yet to come…

22. Your worst enemy?
- My anger. Although my running nose is running a close second.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
- The "Vlad-studio" pygmies special

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
- Which store did you take ur shoes from? "At least i know where NOT to buy shoes"

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
- A million. I can learn flying in my own plane.

26. Do you like someone?
- You betcha.

27. The last song you listened to?
- “Tum to tehre pardesi... " Eff-All song playing a truck passing by.

28. What time of day were you born?
- 4 am. That explains a lot.

29. What’s your favorite number?
- 17

30. Where did you live in 1987?
- Kolkata

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
- Truth be told – yep.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
- Everyone aspires to be awesome :D

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
- Sleeping in my hostel bed.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
- Kick the bloody things.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
- Yes

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
- My arm. A string of Sanskrit script should look good. It will also allay some of my parents anger.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
- French.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
- Yes.

39. Are you touchy feely?
- What kinda question is this. Depends on the person i'm with. If i'm with my boss all i can feel is his admiration :D , if i'm with Aishwarya Rai i'd rather be 'touchy-feely'

40. What’s your life motto?
- Be the change you want to see in the world.

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
- Cell phone (even though it’s a piece of shit), glasses (either sun or reading), my watch.

42. What’s your favorite town/city?
- Kolkata. The laziest city in the world.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
- Rickshaw ride to office

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
- I honestly cannot remember.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
- If “change the oil” means take it to Ram mechanics, then yes indeed...

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
- GO TO HELL-she text-ed me.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
- About three generations. I have some work to do, don’t I…

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
- Black pants, sweater, a swede jacket, hawaii slippers. I went to a movie in Allahabad

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
- My eye-lids are tweaking a little this morning. The sleep-session should be interesting…

50. Have you been burned by love?
- Absolutely. But no, I’m not going to spill the details…

Vendor Meets

Be frank.. what comes to your mind when u hear MBA? Masters of Business Administration? or Monsters of Blah & Ass-licking? Means to a Beautiful Ass? Or Married But Available?

If you havent got the hint, i'm pissed off. And the reason is not that i'm stuck in Allahabad :(

1. Airtel disconnects my mobile phone (dunno why)
2. NO sutta shop in 1km radius of our new office that sells Classic Milds
3. Every-one thinks that i'm God. A single point solution for all problems.
4. Vendors

1&2 personal issues. 3 semi-personal, semi-professional, 4th TOTALLY professional.
There's just one trick to handle them all..

One Namaste from the formally dressed 'bidessi-babu' (read me), a graciously fake smile, free unlimited food, a 5 min smooth-talk session, and he's yours.
Literally.

I dont pity them, I just feel bad for them. They have been kept in limited understanding by the netas (as always). They have never understood how to expand their business. They have no aspirations. BUT, they rely solely and only on Perceptions. MBA faff u may feel, for 1 time i can say this for sure that its not.

If they perceive that they are getting lots, they WILL believe you. Swell your eyes and do Awww while announcing the scheme-They will think that this is the best that they have ever got.
Awesome. Finally, 1 city in India that is not touched by the filth and grime of a city. A rural market. Not peaceful. Mind you.

Brain-fart

Just went about a vendor-meet, to discover that vendors don't hide their farts. They just go ahead and.... phhhbbbbtttt...

This made me think, if we (assuming ur 1 of the civilized kind) fart, how do we say it-smartly..
Came about a few-

"I Farted"

• Inverse sniff...
• A message from Below
• Bench Warmer
• Bottom Belch
• Booty Burp
• Chair charring
• Fermented revenge
• Gassius Assius
• Gastronomically expressive
• Gut Bubble
• Natural Gas
• Phoofs
• Stinkies
• Tooters
• Unappreciated Air